


Self-Acceptance (Phan)

by Misha_with_wings



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anal Sex, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Asexual Character, Asexual Phil, Bad Dreams, Bottom!Dan, Cuddling, DAN AND PHIL - Freeform, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Holding Hands, Hugs, Internalized Acephobia, Kissing, Love, M/M, Making Out, Masturbation, Panic Attacks, Phan - Freeform, Scared phil, Smut, Vomit Mention, descriptive anxiety attacks, grey asexual, handjobs, self harm scratching and hair pulling, self hatred, top!phil, worried Dan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-27
Updated: 2018-09-27
Packaged: 2019-07-18 06:57:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16113203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Misha_with_wings/pseuds/Misha_with_wings
Summary: Phil struggles with his anxiety disorder, his asexuality, his issues with contact, and with being comfortable around his boyfriend Dan.(Read the tags as there are some mild trigger warnings! Also if sex/smut makes you uncomfortable do not read this!)-previously titled “Asexual”-





	Self-Acceptance (Phan)

**Author's Note:**

> I may be a bit on the grey asexual/ demisexual scale myself but I’m still new at writing with an asexual character. Keep in mind everyone’s different, you may be the same sexuality as someone but that doesn’t mean you are the same. Everyone is unique and amazing <3
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS:  
> -vomit mention  
> -anxiety attacks  
> -self harm in the form of scratching and hair pulling  
> -There is sex scenes, if sex makes you uncomfortable do not read this.

The second Dan heard the front door close he knew something was wrong, Phil shouldn’t be back for at least a few hours and it’s only been thirty minutes. 

“Phil?” Dan steps out of the lounge to cautiously greet Phil at the door. 

Phil was standing there completely silent, twisting his hands together anxiously. He looked like he could break down any second now.

Dan took a deep breath, “What happened?” 

Phil gives Dan a small shrug of his shoulders in reply.

Dan goes to open his mouth again to speak but Phil suddenly breaks, this was fairly uncommon for Phil but Dan still knew what to do and how to act without stressing him out further. 

Phil’s eyes filled with tears and a sob escaped from his throat, it sounded like he was physically choking from trying to hold everything in so much. 

Dan couldn’t even say anything else before Phil simply brushed past him, wiping his eyes with his sleeves as he walks away. Dan follows him down the hallway, Phil didn’t tell Dan to leave him alone so he was following. 

Phil went into his bedroom without closing the door behind him, that was a sign that Dan was welcome. 

Dan sighed in relief- at least Phil wasn’t going to be stubborn. 

Phil flopped onto his bed face down and buried his face into a pillow. Dan sat on the edge of the bed, thinking of what to say. He wanted to choose his words carefully, Phil could get pretty snappy when he was upset and Dan didn’t want to say something to upset him further. 

“Do you want to talk?” Dan asks in a calm monotone voice.

Phil shrugs, and Dan knew he meant yes. He was just being a bit stubborn but for Phil that way typical. It was hard to get him to talk about things, even if he wanted to talk. 

“Just talk when you want, I’ll stay.” Dan says before pulling his legs up onto the bed, he leans against the headboard and sighs, might as well get comfortable. 

Phil says something but it was muffled by the pillow.

“You might want to repeat that- minus the pillow you’re trying to smother yourself with.” Dan says. 

“Ugh.” Phil groans before rolling onto his side and pulling the pillow to his chest tightly, “He was so rude.” 

“Oh.” It clicks and Dan understands, “What did he do?”

Phil had been out on a date, but Dan didn’t make the connection that something went wrong there. Usually Phil wasn’t this upset when a date went wrong, usually he just didn’t care. 

“The same thing everyone else does but ruder.” Phil huffs, his eyes were red and glossy from tears. 

Dan couldn’t tell if he was more angry or sad, “I’m sorry Phil.” 

“You didn’t do anything.” Phil rolls his eyes, he sighs heavily “I officially give up.” 

“What did he say to you?” Dan asks, “Do I have to get protective and kick his butt?” 

Phil managed a small chuckle, “Yeah because you’re definitely intimidating.” 

“Hey!” Dan fakes being offended, “I can be!” 

Phil gives Dan a look, “Yeah okay sure.” 

“Seriously what did he say to you?” Dan gets back on the serious topic. 

“Well...” Phil sighs, “I’m just frustrated because nobody really understands asexuality.” 

Dan exhales harshly, “Did he say something to you about that? You know I don’t take too kindly to people bashing you over your fucking sexuality.” 

“He looked at me dead in the eyes and tried to tell me I’m not actually asexual.” 

“How the fuck would he know?!”

“He looked me up and down and said ‘you’re way too sexy to not want to have sex’ and proceeded to say very sexual things to me that made me so uncomfortable.” Phil squeezes the pillow in his arms tighter. 

“What did he say to you?” Dan asks calmly.

“I’m not telling you because you’ll explode.” Phil replies. 

“Tell me or I’ll find him.” 

“See this is why I won’t tell you.” 

“What do you mean!” Dan exclaims. 

“You’re the type of friend that will literally kill someone if they simply say something wrong to me.” 

“Because I care?” Dan says sassily in an almost questioning tone, “Just tell me, I won’t go off I promise.” 

Phil sighs and looks down, “It’s really inappropriate.” 

“I’m not twelve Phil, I’m pretty sure I can handle hearing something inappropriate.” Dan replies. 

Phil glances up at him, “Why do you seem so upset with me?” 

“What?” Dan gives him a wide-eyed look, “I’m not, I promise. I don’t mean to sound upset- I’m not upset with you.” 

“Okay.” Phil responds quietly, “He uh, he told me he could change my mind about being asexual.” Phil swallows thickly, “He told me he would quote-on-quote ‘make me feel so good I’ll want his sex forever’ then I kind of made an excuse about needing a wee and I just came home.” 

Dan intakes a sharp breath but Phil stops him before he can speak, “I felt kind of violated but just don’t start yelling. Please just let it go?” 

Dan let’s all the air slowly leave his lungs and he looks at Phil before reluctantly nodding, “Fine.”

“Thank you.” 

“Whatever.” 

.....

Phil stopped going on dates and Dan knew something was wrong with him, he was moving around the flat and acting sad all the time. It was just so unlike Phil. 

“Wow the beast awakens.” Dan jokes, giving Phil a smile when he finally steps into the lounge at half past two in the afternoon. 

Phil sits on the opposite end of the couch and attempts to fix his messy bed hair, “Morning.”

“Morning?” Dan chuckles, “Alright good morning sleeping beauty, but it’s half past two.”

“Oh shit is it?” Phil asks, looking at Dan with an expression of sleepy confusion. 

Dan was worried, he heard the broken sobs coming from Phil’s room last night at three a.m. but he didn’t dare speak up about it. 

“Yeah.” Dan tried to hide his concerned expression, “You feel okay?”

Phil’s body language immediately turned defensive, “Yeah why?” 

“Nothing!” Dan responds immediately, “I mean no reason, you just look fevered is all.” 

“Oh, okay. Sorry.” Phil sighs, “I feel fine though.” 

Dan didn’t bring up anything about hearing Phil’s crying, not even when it happened again and again.

.....

There was something wrong. 

Phil didn’t like being touched, he had a major problem with human contact. Even simple touches to his shoulder made him flinch away simply because he didn’t like the feeling of another body touching his. There was no reason to it, it was just how Phil was. Phil didn’t even like gentle friendly hugs, he always looked and felt so uncomfortable when one of his friends or even family members went to hug him. 

Dan was sometimes an exception, simply because Phil had grown to trust him so much. With Dan he could deal with being playfully punched in the shoulder or be repeatedly smacked out of sheer excitement for something- but that’s really it. 

So Dan knew there was something really wrong when Phil stumbled into his room full on sobbing one night only to collapse in Dan’s arms and practically beg for a hug. 

Dan didn’t really know how to react to this but he wrapped his arms around Phil, he kept his hold loose so Phil could easily escape if he suddenly felt uncomfortable. 

Phil was on top of him sobbing into his chest and all he could do was rub his back gently. Dan’s mind was running wild, he didn’t know what to say to make Phil feel better and for once he was at a loss for words. 

Phil’s fists were gripping Dan’s shirt so tightly it was probably stretching it out, not that really Dan cared at this exact moment. 

Phil was pretty much hyperventilating, his breathing was so rapid and shaky and his sobs came out as loud shuddered noises. It’s like he literally couldn’t breathe no matter how much he tried. 

Dan was worried, “Hey- Phil?” Dan kept his voice soft and he tried not to sound shaky and concerned but he failed, “Look at me, please.” He tried to get Phil’s attention. 

Phil was pretty much choking on air like his body was rejecting oxygen, he felt light headed and everything Dan said just sounded muffled and far away. 

“Phil breathe-“ Dan requests softly, “Please just take deep breaths.” 

Phil felt Dan push at his shoulder and he practically flung himself off of Dan, he curled up into a tight ball next to Dan.

Dan sits up and looks at Phil wide-eyed, he didn’t know what to do. “Phil you’re going to make yourself sick, just please breathe.” Dan begs, he was so scared he didn’t know what to do and Phil was broken. 

Phil actually gagged like he was about to vomit and Dan had enough. Phil was acting like he couldn’t even hear him and he was no longer going to just sit there. 

“Dammit Phil.” Dan sounded stressed and scared as he reached for Phil who was curled into himself tightly, Dan managed to pull Phil up into a sitting position- but not without a major struggle. 

“Fucking hell- Phil look at me!” Dan yells, Phil’s eyes immediately found his and it was like this overwhelming sense of clarity washed over Phil. 

Phil tried to focus on Dan but his body was working against him, it’s like he didn’t have control and he couldn’t breathe or speak.

“Breathe!” Dan screams, he had never sounded so scared and Phil tried to inhale but it felt like he couldn’t. His lungs were like concrete. 

“Okay, just do what I do, breathe like me.” Dan says, “In for five seconds, hold for six, let out for seven. Please just breathe Phil you’re really scaring me.”

Phil looked paler than normal and he almost fell back against the bed but Dan caught him and held him steady, “Phil?!” 

Everything faded out again and Phil saw spots of black begin to take over his line of sight, he grabs onto Dan tightly. He felt so scared he couldn’t control his own body. 

“Phil please look at me, don’t you do this-“ Dan could tell Phil couldn’t focus and his eyes were drooping. 

Phil felt himself turn off almost instantly like someone hit his off switch, he doesn’t remember anything after that though. 

Dan was properly freaking out, Phil had just passed out on top of him. He gently moves Phil to lay beside him and checks to make sure he was still breathing, thankfully his breathing was completely normal now. 

Dan let out a shuddery breath as he just stared at Phil’s unconscious form, “Phil?” Dan asks quietly.

Dan knew Phil wouldn’t answer, he was out. 

.....

Dan stayed by Phil’s side the whole time he was out, even when the clock seemed to speed past four in the morning he stayed awake. Phil didn’t seem to be in pain or unable to breathe anymore so Dan didn’t think the hospital was necessary but he was still scared. 

It was around six when Phil’s eyes opened and focused on Dan who was sitting up against the headboard of his bed, dozing off. 

Phil felt like he had cement coating his throat and glue in his mouth when he went to speak and his voice seemed deeper and slower than normal. Almost like his brain had just rebooted and he needed a minute to power on, “Dan?” 

Dan’s head snapped in the direction of Phil’s voice so quickly he could’ve gotten whiplash. 

“How do you feel?” Dan asks in a rush, “Are you okay?” He moves to touch Phil’s shoulder but quickly retracts when Phil flinches away. 

Phil pushes himself up into a sitting position, his limbs felt unnaturally heavy. “I guess so.”

Dan let’s out a relieved breath at that, “You scared the ever living fuck out of me!” 

Phil flinches at Dan’s harsh sounding voice, “I- I’m sorry.”

“No- fuck.” Dan sighs, “No I’m sorry, I shouldn’t yell at you.”

“What happened?” Phil asks, “I just remember feeling out of control and scared- what happened?” 

“You had an anxiety attack I think.” Dan frowns, “The worst one you’ve ever had, you passed out on me and you wouldn’t stop clinging to me. I was scared.” 

“Sorry.” Phil sighs softly. 

Dan tilts his head in confusion, “Why are you sorry?”

“I was clinging to you. I didn’t mean to do that, you know I wouldn’t do that intentionally- I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to touch y-“ 

“Phil.” Dan cuts him off, “Its fine, I’m not upset at all.” 

“I’m just- I feel weird.” Phil speaks. 

“Why did you think I was upset at you?”

“Because I was hugging you.” Phil says like it’s obvious, “Nobody wants me to hug them, nobody wants me to touch them- and I don’t want anyone to touch me. Nobody wants me and-“ Phil just stops mid-sentence.

Dan looked sad and Phil shrunk when he got a look of pity, “Phil it’s me, don’t you think if I didn’t want you I would’ve stopped talking to you like nine years ago?”

“I’m sorry-“

“You apologize too much for things you shouldn’t be sorry for. Phil you are-“

“I am what?” Phil asks. 

“Nothing.” Dan sighs, “Don’t worry about it.”

“Oh.”

“Do you feel okay though?”

“I’m fine.” Phil gets up and just leaves the room, seeming upset. 

Dan didn’t push it. 

.....

Phil went really quiet, Dan didn’t like it. 

Phil still cried late at night and Dan could hear him mumbling things to himself but he never could make out what he was saying. Dan didn’t want to pry, but he was genuinely worried. 

It was a little past one in the morning when Dan couldn’t take it anymore, he pushed his laptop aside and got up from his bed.

He walks right into Phil’s room, seeing him rolled up in his duvet and trembling. 

Upon seeing Dan, Phil’s eyes widened and he quickly covered his face, “Dan go away!” 

“I know you’re crying stop trying to hide from me.” Dan wasn’t angry he was just concerned. 

“Please leave me alone.” 

“Do you really want me to go?” Dan asks.

No reply. 

Dan walks over and sits next to Phil, “Talk to me.” 

“I’m just being stupid don’t worry about it.” Phil shrugs as he sniffs and wipes at his eyes. 

“You aren’t being stupid Phil. If something is wrong then you can talk about it, don’t be scared.” Dan speaks, “I don’t want a repeat of the other night, maybe you’ll feel better if you talk to me.”

Phil nods, “You sure I can talk to you? I don’t want to be annoying and I’m scared I’ll make you annoyed at me-“

“Phil no.” Dan says, he takes a deep breath. “You’ll never annoy me- not realistically anyway.”

Phil’s anxiety has been terrible recently, Dan tried his best to help but Phil mostly wanted to be left alone. Dan got sad when Phil said things like this, like he was scared Dan would hate him or be angry with him. Dan knew it was Phil’s anxious mind taking over his rational thoughts but it was still sad. Phil should know he can trust Dan to never leave him or turn him away. 

“I’ve been thinking about my future.” Phil sighs, snuggling into his duvet like it was a warm hug. 

Phil didn’t really like human hugs but if you gave him a warm blanket he was set for comfort. 

“Existential crisis?” Dan asks, quirking an eyebrow, “Because you know that’s not exactly unfamiliar to me.”

“Well not really.” Phil answers, “I’m scared of dying alone and I know that’s what is going to happen to me because nobody likes me and nobody wants to put up with me forever and I’m just stuck here in my head with my anxious thoughts and I’m always so alone and I’m asexual so nobody is gonna want to marry me and-“

“Phil!” Dan cuts him off, “Hey, none of that is true. In that case my name might as well be nobody-“ Dan’s eyes widen when he realizes what he said. 

Phil’s eyebrows furrow in confusion, “You’d marry me?”

“Um- I mean-“ 

Phil lets it go, Dan was obviously uncomfortable now. “But seriously nobody wants to marry an asexual person that doesn’t even like to hug.” 

“You don’t know that.” 

“I wish I could just be normal.” Phil says, “Whenever I go on a date with someone and I tell them I’m ace I immediately get blown off because they assume that means I’ll never have sex with them. Is sex really that important?”

“You’re just dating the wrong people, most of them probably don’t understand the full extent of asexuality.” 

“Most of them just want sex.” Phil huffs and rolls his eyes. 

“People are like animals sometimes.” 

“But like it’s not- ugh this is too awkward.” Phil buries his face in the duvet. 

“Phil it’s not awkward, if you wanna talk about your sexuality and how you feel then you can. I’m fine with it.” 

“You sure?” Phil asks, looking and sounding weary. 

“I’m absolutely sure, whatever makes you feel better.” 

“Okay well people don’t understand that everyone is different like not every asexual is the same and it bugs the crap out of me. Sure some aces completely are against the idea of having sex but with me it’s different. I just don’t like contact and I feel like I’d really really have to trust someone to be intimate like that. Like I don’t feel sexual attraction but for me it’s less about the feeling of sex and more about the intimacy and about trust and just being close. So it’s not like I’ll never have sex it’s just like I need to really trust someone and make sure they are who I want to be close with because contact makes me anxious most of the time. Im so weird.”

“You are not weird Phil. That doesn’t even sound as weird as you think it does. So what if you don’t feel sexually attracted to people. Just because you’re asexual doesn’t mean you can’t have sex or enjoy it.” 

“That’s what I want people to understand!” Phil gripes, “Like maybe I won’t feel sexually attracted to someone but maybe I can enjoy the close feeling or just being in love like that. Nobody understands.” Phil pulls his knees to his chest. 

“I understand.” Dan says. 

“But nobody wants me so I guess it doesn’t matter how I feel.” Phil says sadly, “I’m just so scared of dying alone and I know for a fact I’m not good enough for anyone.” Phil lets out a shaky breath. 

“Don’t put yourself down like that Phil. If anything you are too good for everyone. You’re kind and caring, you literally help everyone you can, you’re funny, you’re cute.” 

“I’m cute?” 

“Yes!” Dan exclaims, “Hot even! Fuck it I don’t care I’ll admit it.” 

Phil almost giggles, “I guess I don’t really pay that much attention to myself.” 

They go silent for a few minutes before Dan speaks up, “Can I ask you about the other night or is that too much for you?”

Phil sighs, “No it’s okay... it was pretty much just about dying alone. I got so scared thinking about it. What if you leave me and my family ends up leaving me and nobody wants me and I’m just alone and I die and nobody cares that I died and I’m just alone in a six foot hole for all of eternity without anyone caring about me or ever loving me- that’s the gist of it.” 

“You were really that anxious? Over that?” Dan looked sad, “I can’t speak for everyone else but I can speak for me, I’m never going to leave you. You’re my favorite person and so help me god I’ll make sure you’re loved before you die.” 

Phil smiles at him softly, “Sorry I scared you though. I didn’t really mean to have an anxiety attack like that.”

“You can’t help it Phil, don’t apologize. I’m just glad you managed to make it to me instead of passing out in the hallway for me to find you unconscious and freak the hell out.”

Phil untangles himself from the duvet to lay down, “I’m tired.”

“Want me to leave now?” Dan asks. 

“You can stay if you want, I don’t mind.” Phil says.

Dan slides down the bed to lay next to Phil, both of them staring up at the ceiling. 

Dan was almost convinced Phil was asleep when he spoke softly, “I have a secret.”

“Do you want to tell me it?”

Dan almost jumped out of his skin, “I thought you were asleep.”

“Almost.” Phil yawns, “You can talk, I’ll listen.”

Dan gulps nervously, “Well you know how you think nobody will love you or how you aren’t good enough-“

“Yes Dan. Don’t make me relive those thoughts please.” 

“I’m sorry.” Dan says, “I just mean I kind of feel like that too.” 

“But Dan you’re-“

“No-“ Dan stops Phil from the uplifting speech, “I’m not done.”

Phil sighs, “Okay, continue.” 

“I don’t know how to say this exactly without sounding weird- but do you remember when you came out to me as ace last year?”

“You were the first person I told, I actually remember it quite vividly.” 

“Well you know how I was gonna tell you something too but I let you go first then I just never told you what my secret was? I still have that secret.” Dan says, “I didn’t want to take away from your big coming out moment so I kept this bottled up inside me. Now I realize it might be a good thing but I’m not one-hundred percent sure how you’ll feel.”

“What are you ace too or something?” Phil jokes lightly, knowing Dan appreciated light jokes to break up serious conversation. 

“Not exactly.” 

“Then what is it? You know you can tell me anything.” Phil says. 

“I just want to explain a bit before I say it. Like I don’t want you to get mad because I never told you but I want you to understand that I’m just scared to lose you. You just kept dating random people trying so hard to find someone but it never worked out and I just never even let myself think that-“ Dan cut himself off. 

“That what?”

Dan sighs huffily, “That you’d like me.” 

Phil feels realization slowly wash over him, “Oh.”

“Because you kept dating people I figured if you liked me you wouldn’t do that. I know it sounds stupid but that’s just what I thought.” Dan says, “But my secret is that I love you Phil, and I’m not just saying that to make you feel better. I loved you before you came out as ace and when you came out it didn’t change my feelings at all, I understand how you are and how you feel about things and I don’t mind that you’re different because so am I. I love you and I’m sorry if this is weird but I just want you to know that I won’t let you die alone, I’d actually love to be your boyfriend and maybe marry you someday if you’d allow it but I don’t even know if you like me-“ 

Phil was actually kind of shocked, how could he not have known that the one person who cares about him more than anything and is always there for him through thick and thin was in love with him?

Phil definitely wasn’t opposed to dating Dan, he quite liked the idea. It’s because Dan understood him and he knew Dan wouldn’t leave him because of any of his weird things about contact. 

So yeah, maybe he did love Dan too.

Phil simply moves his hand closer to Dan’s and links their pinky fingers together, “I like you.” Phil says simply. 

Dan exhales shakily, “Okay good.” He sounds relieved and Phil’s small gesture of linking their pinkies made his heart flutter. Phil didn’t like contact but this was the sweetest thing he could’ve ever done. 

“Goodnight Dan.” Phil yawns.

“I can sleep here?” 

“Well I don’t want you to leave but if you want to go back to your room then you can-“

“Oh no, I was just making sure you were comfortable with me sleeping next to you.” Dan squeezes their linked pinkies a bit tighter. 

“I’m comfortable with it.” Phil says, “You know I don’t mind your presence.” 

“Okay well goodnight Phil.” Dan closes his eyes, a small smile adorning his lips. 

..... 

Things didn’t change much between them, they just got a bit flirtier- but they loved their relationship. Whatever they were. 

They held hands when they watched television and linked their arms when they slept. Phil was still not into contact, but Dan was fine with that. 

“Phil can I ask you something?” 

“Of course.”

“Why don’t you like contact that much? I’m not judging and it’s okay- I just want to understand why.” Dan says. 

Phil sighs, he turns towards Dan, sitting cross-legged on the couch. 

“It just makes me uncomfortable, I don’t like being touched.” Phil says simply, “But its mostly because I’ve never had a real relationship to really cuddle with anyone or anything like that. So my mind just makes contact an anxiety inducer for me because with random people I’m scared they’ll try something with me, and I just don’t know how to react to contact. Like how long are you supposed to hug someone or when do you know to kiss someone or just give them a gentle pat on the shoulder. What if I make a wrong move then I’ll get made fun of and get really anxious- contact is just awkward.”

“Do you think I could help you with that?” Dan asks, “Not to be weird but you know if you want to you can cuddle me or hug me. You don’t have to feel anxious around me, I want you to be comfortable. As for you being scared of having someone make a move on you- I will never do that. Literally never. I respect your boundaries so if you just simply want a cuddle that’s what you’ll get, I’ll never try anything with you.” 

Phil simply nods before leaning back against the couch and scooting a bit closer to Dan. He doesn’t go for a cuddle or anything but he just enjoys Dan’s presence next to him. 

.....

It was several days later when Dan noticed Phil giving him weird glances, they were about to go to bed and instead of linking arms with Dan as usual, Phil was giving him a nervous look. 

“What’s wrong?” Dan asks. 

“Do you remember what you said about cuddling?” Phil asks in reply. 

“Ooh, do you want to cuddle Phil?” Dan asks, not a single bit of judgement in his voice. 

Phil suddenly felt less anxious, he nods his head, “Maybe just a little...”

Dan opens his arms for Phil to lay against his chest but Phil shakes his head no. Dan looks confused but quickly understands when Phil lays down and opens his arms, “I want to hold you.” Phil says before quickly adding, “Well if that’s okay.”

Dan snuggles against Phil’s chest without hesitation, loving the feeling of Phil’s warm arms wrapped around him. His heart felt like it could burst as Phil tangled their legs together. This was a good proper cuddle.

Dan feels his heart stutter when Phil kisses the top of his head, “Goodnight.”

“Night.” Dan replies, he knew his face was probably bright red. 

.....

It had been a little over a week and they’d cuddled a few times since Phil first requested a cuddle but for the most part Phil still felt awkward about contact- simply because he wasn’t used to it. He knew he’d get to where it was normal feeling eventually, but for right now he just didn’t feel comfortable casually cuddling all of the time. 

Right now they were both play-fighting because the little argument war they had wasn’t enough. 

Phil had Dan pinned down and was playfully punching him in the chest while Dan gently smacked at his arms, both of them giggling.

Their gentle punches somehow got weaker as giggles took them over even more.

Dan sighs, looking up at Phil fondly, “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Phil replies, he instantly felt anxious when Dan looked shocked. It was the first time he had ever said it back. 

Phil climbed off of Dan and sat back on the couch, Dan sat up to face him, “Phil?”

Phil bites his lip and gives Dan a nervous glance, “Yeah?”

Dan gulps, looking Phil in the eyes, “Can I kiss you?” 

Much to Dan’s surprise Phil just started leaning in, Dan barely had time to close his eyes before Phil’s lips connected with his softly. 

It was warm and gentle and Phil’s lips were so soft, Dan almost melted right then and there. 

Phil pulled away a few seconds later, a light blush dusting his cheeks, “I wanted to kiss you too.” Phil shrugs, almost like he was explaining why he dove into the kiss like that. 

Dan smiles at Phil, unable to form words from how happy he was. 

“I’m up for cuddling now.” Phil says with a toothy grin, his tongue poking through his teeth. 

It was so cute Dan could almost squeal, “Who’s holding who?” Dan asks.

Phil opens his arms, answering Dan’s question. Phil loved holding Dan against his chest and kissing his forehead and Dan loved receiving that. 

Dan sighs heavily, “I could stay like this forever to be honest.” Dan mumbles against Phil’s chest.

Phil feels a smile creep up onto his lips, “I mean we could.” 

.....

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Phil asks, he had been trying to tidy up the kitchen from where they made breakfast together and Dan was just staring at him. 

“Because you’re beautiful.” Dan replies simply. 

Phil rolls his eyes and scoffs, “Sap.” 

“I’m telling the truth.” Dan walks over to Phil, leaning against the counter beside him.

“Well you’re just as beautiful.” Phil smiles and reaches up to gently bop Dan on the nose. 

Dan couldn’t hide his blush and he mocks Phil, “Sap.” 

“Now if you don’t mind, I have some cleaning to do.” Phil says. 

Dan pouts before crowding Phil back against the counter, he leans down to rest his head on Phil’s shoulder. 

Phil laughs, “Dan I’m busy!” 

“I love you.” Dan mumbles. 

Phil smiles, feeling his heart beat faster, “I love you too, but I really need to get this syrup off of the counter before it’s a permanent part of our kitchen.” 

Dan groans as he leans back, “Okay.” He leans against the sink, letting Phil wipe up the syrup, “Hurry.”

“Someone’s cuddly today.” Phil smiles fondly. 

“Is that okay?” Dan asks, he didn’t want Phil to be uncomfortable but he just really wanted to be held close to him. 

“It’s fine love.” Phil replies, “There, syrup gone.” 

“Yay.” Dan cheers softly, being as adorable as always. 

Phil giggles as he’s pushed against the counter, “Dan.” 

“Phil.” Dan mocks. 

“Baby.” Phil says in a voice that makes Dan lean back a bit to look him in the eyes. 

Dan leans in and presses their foreheads together, “What?”

“What are you doing?” Phil asks, Dan’s arms were restraining him against the counter. He knew Dan didn’t realize he was doing it but Phil didn’t like not having an escape route. 

“I wanna kiss.” Dan says before pressing his lips to Phil’s. 

Phil kisses back for a second before he suddenly feels weird. Dan wasn’t pulling away like normal. Phil’s hands suddenly got clammy and his grip on the counter behind him was slipping, his mind was on high alert. He just wanted his escape route, he’d feel more comfortable if Dan would just move his arm off of the counter. 

Phil forces himself to unfreeze, his anxiety had made him go rigid from fear. Fear of being trapped and receiving forced contact. He pushed Dan back gently, he knew Dan didn’t mean any harm but he didn’t want to start panicking. 

“Sorry.” Phil says to Dan who looked confused, “Dan we’ve talked about this if you’re going to kiss me or hug me I need an escape route and you just blocked me off and I don’t like that. I felt trapped.”

Dan suddenly looked guilty, “I’m sorry Phil, I didn’t mean to upset you. I thought you were getting more comfortable with me so I just-“ Dan cuts himself off and sighs, “I should’ve asked first I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, I trust you and I know you didn’t mean any harm.” Phil placed his hands on either side of Dan’s waist, showing he was still comfortable and not angry.

“You aren’t mad?”

“Not at all, its okay.” Phil gives him a big smile before moving closer and hugging him tightly around the waist. 

Dan wraps his arms around Phil’s shoulders and holds him tight, “Okay, I’m still sorry though.” 

“It’s alright.” Phil tries to think of what he can do to make Dan feel better, he gently pushes him back into the counter. 

“Phil?” Dan looked slightly confused yet very intrigued. 

Phil leans in to kiss Dan, liking it better now that he was the one pinning Dan to the counter. He liked having control so he could easily just stop when he got uncomfortable. 

Dan couldn’t help the smile he had as Phil kissed him soft and slow. It was adorable and giggly and Dan couldn’t get enough. 

Phil slides his lips against Dan’s, he tenses up slightly when he feels Dan’s tongue glide along his bottom lip.

He makes himself relax, there’s no harm in trying. Maybe he’ll like this. 

He lets Dan’s tongue pass his lips and the slippery wet feeling made his stomach twist in a bad way. He makes a noise of discomfort and quickly pulls himself away and takes several steps back. 

Dan lets him go, “Was that too far?” 

Phil nods awkwardly, shifting on his feet. He digs his nails into his palms to keep himself from trembling. He felt so awkward, why did he even attempt to make out with Dan he knows he wasn’t comfortable enough yet. 

“Phil?” Dan asks, he sees the look of pain on his face and immediately grabs his hands, “No stop that, we aren’t doing this.” He forces Phil’s hands to relax, seeing the deep crescent shaped marks indenting his palms. Dan rubs his thumbs over the palms of Phil’s hands. “Just breathe, we stopped. It’s over. No more making out, please just take a deep breath for me.” 

Phil inhales and exhales shakily, “I’m- I- I’m okay.” 

Dan lets go of Phil’s hands, “You know you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. I know you don’t like contact and if that was too much don’t force yourself to like it. If you don’t like it then you don’t like it, it’s okay. It’s all fine.” 

“I feel like I’m broken. Just kissing is fine then suddenly tongue is added and I hate it. My skin just crawls thinking about it because it feels so dirty. I don’t like it but I’m not normal-“

“Phil you aren’t broken. So you don’t like sex- so what. So you don’t like making out- so what. It’s just your preference, there’s nothing wrong with you, you’re perfect the way you are.” 

Phil couldn’t help but keep thinking negatively. Sure maybe Dan thought he was fine and perfect now but what about in a year from now- maybe even a month from now? Dan wasn’t asexual and Phil doesn’t think he could do anything sexual anytime soon. Eventually maybe but for right now he can’t even make out without feeling gross. 

“I’m gonna go shower.” Phil was shaking slightly, his internal panic starting to show. He quickly leaves the kitchen, going straight into the bathroom and locking the door. 

He turns on the shower to drown out the sounds of his heavy breaths and panicked mumbles. He tried to calm himself down, he really did. He tried Dan’s breathing trick but without Dan here to breathe with him he couldn’t keep it going. 

Phil remembers the feeling of their tongues touching and he shudders. The warm wet slippery feeling made him want to rip his tongue out and make it disappear. 

It’s not anything against Dan, Dan wasn’t gross Dan was cute and hot and such a good boyfriend. Phil just couldn’t stand the act in itself, he didn’t like the feeling of it. 

Phil couldn’t even swallow the saliva building up in his mouth because it reminded him of making out. He spit into the sink and grabbed the mouthwash, he swishes it around in his mouth forever until the inside of his mouth was numb. The gross feeling had yet to go away. 

Phil spits the mouthwash out, this wasn’t helping. The panic set in full force because why does he have a boyfriend that loves him? He doesn’t deserve this! He’s broken, he doesn’t like to do things that normal boyfriends do, he hates contact even kissing was hard for him sometimes. 

It was only a matter of time before Dan leaves him, Phil knows it. Some people have needs and Phil physically can’t help Dan out with his. One day Dan is just going to be gone and Phil is going to be left alone. He’s going to die alone. He doesn’t want to die alone. 

Phil shakily pulls of his clothes before stepping in the shower. The water was hot, too hot, but he wanted it hotter. He wanted his skin to melt away so this crawling feeling would go. He hated this.

The moisture in the air made it harder to breathe and he was practically gasping. He tugs at his hair harshly and digs his nails into his scalp, pain. Pain distracted him from this feeling of anxiety weighing on his chest and squeezing his lungs. 

Phil didn’t want Dan to leave.

Phil tried to think about having sex with him but it made him feel even more anxious and his stomach tightened as more sobs took him over. The image of having sex didn’t do anything for him other than negatively affect his emotions. It made him feel dirty, just thinking about hands on him, gripping his cock or grabbing his ass. It made him sick. He didn’t want that. 

But what if Dan wanted it? What would Phil do?

Phil practically drenched himself in soap, trying to scrub away the feeling of things crawling on his skin. He couldn’t even slide his own hands below his belly button as he washed the soap off, simply because it was too close of a touch and he didn’t like it. How could he ever let Dan touch him if he couldn’t even touch himself? He felt like everything was working against him as he slid to the shower floor. 

He pulled his knees to his chest as he laid down flat in the fetal position, his long legs unable to stretch out. He sobbed and he couldn’t stop his thoughts. 

Dan was going to leave him. 

He was broken because he didn’t like touching of any kind. 

He was going to die alone. 

Alone. 

Phil choked on his tears, his mind was starting to be truly evil. It was thinking back to several years ago when he forced himself to have sex with people. Back then he was trying to convince himself he wasn’t broken and he liked sex. In reality he hated every second of it, it took him too long to get off and just the feeling of people touching him. 

Phil remembers how it felt to have hands roaming his naked body and how it made him physically sick. After he had sex for the first time he literally ran to the bathroom and threw up, he just couldn’t do it. 

He remembers when he tried dating this guy only to end up getting dumped. The guys words still haunted him, “You’re such a prude Phil. Don’t expect anyone to ever love you if you aren’t going to give them anything-“ Phil remembers forcing himself to have sex with him only to get yelled at right after, “You aren’t even good at it! You act like you don’t like it, are you even a fucking person? You’re a fuck up.” Phil sobs brokenly. 

“I’m a fuck up.” He mumbles to himself, “I’m broken.”

He keeps putting himself down and he couldn’t stop, “I’m worthless, nobody’s gonna love me-“

“I tried!” Phil digs his nails into his arms, scratching his skin until it was red and raw. He tried having sex, he tried topping, bottoming, and tried oral and anything he could think of to make himself like it. He didn’t like it, any of it. He didn’t even touch himself because orgasms just weren’t pleasing it was more of a chore. 

He didn’t want to just get off, his idea of sex was just intimacy. He didn’t like the idea of the feeling of sex or of orgasming, he just liked the idea of love and being close and intimate. He didn’t want the feeling of sex itself he just wanted to be held close and loved- but he couldn’t even do that yet because he wasn’t comfortable in his own skin. 

Phil doesn’t know how but he ended up crying himself to sleep on the shower floor. 

Phil had been in the bathroom for about an hour and Dan couldn’t hear anything, not a single sign of movement. He was extremely worried to say the least, he spent a good fifteen minutes trying the credit card trick on the door to get it to unlock, eventually he succeeded. 

“Phil?” Dan asks before gently sliding open the shower door, “Phil!” Dan yells. His heart felt pained, Phil had tear stains covering his face and the water had turned completely freezing cold. Yet there Phil was fast asleep while violently shivering. 

Dan turned off the water and grabbed a big fluffy towel before kneeling down beside the shower, “Phil wake up, it’s okay. It’s just me.” 

Phil slowly woke up before his eyes shot open and he frantically tried to cover himself with his hands. 

“Here.” Dan lets Phil have the towel, helping him stand up even though he didn’t want help. 

“Can you just go?” Phil asks, his voice hoarse. He was freezing and his head hurt something awful. 

“I don’t think leaving you alone is a good thing right now. I’ll back off and let you have space but I’m not leaving you.” Dan steps away and leans against the wall.

Phil just wanted to sleep, not only did he have a headache but places on his arms burned from where he scratched his skin so much. 

Dan noticed the slight discoloration in Phil’s skin, he knows he was scratching himself. He also knew that now wasn’t a good time to talk about it. Judging by Phil’s breathing and the tear tracks on his cheeks and finding him asleep in the shower he had probably just had an anxiety attack and Dan didn’t want to trigger it again. 

Phil wraps the towel around his waist, feeling his eyes burn with a new wave of tears. “Don’t leave.” He chokes. 

Dan held himself back from pulling Phil into a hug, he didn’t know if that action would be welcomed. “Phil-“

“I-“ Phil sobs, his whole body shaking, “I can’t lose you. I can’t lose the one person that’s more important to me than anyone. Don’t leave me.” 

Phil doesn’t know why he felt so scared, he practically runs to Dan and buries his face in Dan’s shoulder. He clung to him tightly, “I’m so sorry I’m broken, I’m so sorry I’m sorry-“ 

Dan’s heart hurt, just Phil’s sobs and his repetitive apologies. He wraps his arms around Phil and hugs him tight, breathing in the scent of his shampoo. “Shh, don’t apologize, you have nothing to be sorry for.” Dan’s voice was soft and calming. 

“But I’m-“

“No.” Dan cuts him off, “Just be quiet, just breathe. You know you’re wonderful right?”

“I’m not.” Phil cries harder and tightens his grip on Dan. 

“You mean the world to me.” Dan says, “I mean it, and you aren’t broken.” 

“Stop.” Phil sobs making Dan go silent, “Please I can’t hear this right now-“

“Okay. Then just breathe, we can talk later.” Dan held onto Phil as he cried, softly shushing him when he said anything bad about himself. 

Phil steps back from Dan’s hold a while later, “Sorry you’re soaked now.” 

“It’s okay, clothes can dry.” Dan shrugs it off, “I’m just worried about you, I don’t know how to help you or what to do. I know something is wrong Phil.”

Phil looks down at his feet and nods, “I don’t know what.”

“You don’t know what’s wrong?” Dan asks in confusion. 

Phil nods, “I’m just a mess. I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize Phil, you’ve done nothing wrong.” 

Phil leaves the bathroom, going to get dressed. He sits on his bed and takes a few minutes to breathe, he had so much going on in his head and he needed to say something or it was going to kill him. 

He meets Dan in the lounge, seeing him still in his damp clothes. “Dan.”

“Hey.” Dan gives Phil a small smile as he sits beside him. 

“I need to talk.” Phil says, “I need to just talk-“

“I’m all ears, you can tell me anything okay? I love you.” 

Something in Phil’s stomach felt uneasy and he couldn’t say he loved Dan back. He does love him he just couldn’t say it right this second. 

“I used to force myself to have sex with people.” Phil sighs, getting that off his chest. He doesn’t meet Dan’s eyes, “One of my ex’s actually yelled at me and called me a prude then when I gave him what he wanted he dumped me because I’m bad at it and I’m a fuck up.” 

“Phil you shouldn’t have done that...” Dan looked almost sympathetic, “You should never force yourself to do that, that will negatively affect you mentally.”

“I know.” Phil scoffs, “Now I actually believe I’m a broken fuck up.”

“You aren’t.” 

“Anyway I know you aren’t ace so I just figured I’d tell you I can force myself I guess.” 

“What?!” Dan knew what Phil was implying. 

“Like if you want to have sex I can make myself do it if you want. I just want to make you happy.” Phil shrugs. Dan looks at him like he’s insane. 

“No.” Dan says, “No no no.” 

“No?” Phil was confused, “But don’t you want-“

“No.” Dan says again, he almost had tears in his eyes, “Do you really think I want that?”

“I mean... yeah?” Phil says unsurely, “I just want you to know I can do it I guess.”

“No!” Dan raises his voice before taking a deep breath, “Phil I don’t want sex from you that isn’t it-“

“Oh- you don’t?”

“Okay.” Dan takes a deep breath, thinking over his words, “I love you for you. I love your stupid puns, I love your smile, I love how you wave your arms around when you get super excited, I love how intelligent you are, I love how caring you are, I love how you’re always willing to help people, I love how you talk, I love how you look when you’re concentrating hard on something, I love how passionate you are about things you like, I love every little thing about you and I love how you somehow love me in return. I love you.” 

Phil’s mouth was just open, no words coming out. He didn’t know what to say now but he just felt this deep warmth spread across his chest and course through his veins. 

“So pretty much I’m trying to say I don’t give a fuck about sex really. It’s not that important because I’m so in love with you just holding your hand is fulfilling and makes me feel whole.” Dan says, “To be honest I’ve never even thought about you in a purely sexual way, sure I’ve had sneaky dirty thoughts I will admit but for the most part I just think about kissing you innocently and holding you and marrying you. I don’t just want sex from you, love is what I want and you love me right?” Dan asks, Phil nods, “Then there. That’s all I could ask for. I fucking love you.” 

Dan was practically crying as he poured his heart out and Phil was just sitting there blank in the mind. He didn’t know what to reply. 

“But everyone else just wanted sex.”

“I’m not them, they were all fake love. Look at me.” Dan grabs Phil’s face in his hands, one pair of teary eyes meeting another, “I’m real, this is real. What we have is real. I love you and I mean it with every single ounce of my being.” 

Phil lets a tear fall, “Fuck, Dan. God dammit.” 

“What?” Dan was taken aback, he lets his hands fall back down into his lap.

“You- just you-“ Phil was all choked up, “You freaking love me.”

“I do. A whole hell of a lot.” 

“But I’m just- I’m-“ Phil searches for the words, “I don’t deserve this.”

“You do.” 

“I don’t.”

“Phil, you deserve everything good in the world. I’d like to think I’m a good thing, you deserve me and I deserve you. We deserve each other and that’s enough.” 

“You actually love me. Like genuinely.” Phil says, his mind was trying to be evil to him but Dan was battling it for him. “I feel so bad.”

“Why?” Dan was confused. 

“I- I need-“ Phil takes in a deep breath, “I just, I’m trying to find words here...”

“Take your time.” Dan gives him a warm smile. 

“I love you Dan.” Phil sighs, “But I don’t love myself and that’s a problem for me.”

“Is there anything I can do?” Sure it hurt Dan to hear Phil say that but he couldn’t just freak out. 

“I’m starting to hate myself Dan.” 

“Phil no...” Dan takes a shuddery breath, Dan knew the self-hatred feeling way too much and he didn’t want Phil to feel like that. 

“I don’t feel good in my own skin and I keep thinking all of these negative things- I just need some time.” 

Dan nods in understanding but Phil continues to talk. 

“I love you, and I’m definitely not breaking up with you I should clarify that, I just want to have a little more alone time. I want some space to breathe, I need to learn more about myself. Not to sound rude but being around you makes me feel too much both positively and negatively. I just need to think, I need learn more about how I feel and try and get my mind back on track. I just want to feel better about myself.” 

“If that’s what you need then I support you. You know I’m always here for you if you need a chat.” Dan gives him a smile and Phil feels so comfortable right now, “I hope you feel better.”

“Thank you.” Phil says, he grabs Dan’s hands in his and leans forward, kissing him in the corner of the mouth. “I’m gonna go to my room and just breathe for a bit. I love you.” 

“I love you.” Dan replies genuinely, watching Phil leave. He didn’t feel sad or unhappy, Phil needed some space and that was perfectly okay. Dan was happy if anything, Phil was trying to better himself and that meant Phil could learn to love himself again. That means a happy Phil. Dan loved his happy Phil. 

.....

Phil spent days just wallowing in his thoughts. He couldn’t sort them out, his mind was just too busy, but this time he tried fighting back against the negativity. 

You’re broken. 

“I’m not broken I’m different, and different is okay.”

You’re a fuck up. 

“I’m not a fuck up. I mean something just like everyone else does. Just because I don’t like sex doesn’t mean I’m a fuck up it means I’m asexual and that is okay.” 

Dan is gonna leave you. 

“Dan won’t leave me. Remember what he said.” 

You’re a prude. 

“I’m not a prude, I just don’t feel sexual attraction. I can’t help it and it’s okay. It’s me. I am asexual.”

.....

“How are you feeling love?” Dan wraps his arms around Phil from behind, resting his chin on Phil’s shoulder as he watches him cook. 

“Good.” Phil smiles, he felt better.

During dinner Phil spoke up, “You’re sure you are fine with no sex?” 

Dan sets his fork down, “I’m perfectly fine with no sex. I just want you in my life, we’ve been through this Phil.”

“I know but-“

“No talk about forcing yourself either, that won’t make you feel better and that won’t make me feel good about it.” Dan speaks, “It’s your body Phil, you choose what you want to do with it when you want to do it. Your body, your terms.” 

.....

“My body my terms.” Phil sighs, those words stuck in his head. 

He didn’t have to have sex, he wasn’t obligated to ever touch anyone like that. 

He was a human for fucks sake, he had feelings and sure they were a bit different- so were everyone else’s. 

“I’m a person. My body, my terms. I don’t have to do anything I don’t want too, I’m not broken. I’m not a prude. I am me. I am Phil.” Phil recited this to himself every time his mind tried to tell him any different. 

“I am me.” Phil says to himself, “Nothing is better than that.”

.....

A few weeks passed and Phil had been free from anxiety attacks for a while. He still had bad thoughts but they didn’t physically cripple him anymore. 

He had this nervous feeling in his gut but he really wanted to try it, to see if it was as bad as he thought.

He didn’t want to get off and he didn’t want to be touched but he wanted to try something else. He knew Dan would let him experiment if he was completely sure of it. He just hoped this experience wouldn’t turn his internal nightmare into a living nightmare. 

They were laying next to each other in bed. Dan was scrolling through instagram on his phone and softly humming, Phil had his eyes closed and was just thinking. Dan’s humming soothed his nervous thoughts and he somehow felt fine as he spoke up, “Dan can I touch you?”

Dan stopped humming and his phone almost fell out of his hand, “W-what?”

Phil didn’t feel a single shred of anxiety. Nobody was going to touch him, he was going to do the touching so he felt better about it. 

“Can I touch you?” Phil asks again, rolling onto his side and looking down at Dan who was laying flat on his back against the pillows. 

“L-like- what do you mean? Touch me how?” Dan didn’t want to assume anything sexual but it’s what he was thinking. 

Phil sighs, “Dan can I try to give you a handjob?”

Dan’s eyes got slightly wider, “You- you want to?”

Phil nods, “I was thinking and the idea of that doesn’t make me that uncomfortable. I was thinking about each sexual thing and what makes me so repulsed by it and it’s all because I’m being touched. Then I thought about this and I was like wait- you don’t have to touch me in this situation. But like if I think about doing it to anyone but you I’m uncomfortable so I only want to try this with you. Of course you can say no to me but if you’ll let me I’d like to try.” 

“Are you sure about this Phil?” Dan asks, “Of course you can experiment on me but I want you to be completely comfortable with it.”

“I am comfortable.” Phil replies, “And I know if I get uncomfortable I can stop without you getting mad at me which is why I only want to try this with you.”

Dan just nods, still trying to comprehend all of this, “I mean- yeah.” Dan says, “If you’re sure you want to try you can.” 

“I like the idea of making you happy and pleasing you like this without being uncomfortable so if this works out it could be a good thing.” Phil shrugs, “Now... do you have lube?”

“Uhh...” Dan couldn’t wrap his mind around this situation, “Yeah.” He reaches for his bedside drawer and pulls out the small clear bottle, “Here.” He pushes it into Phil’s awaiting hands. 

Phil moves to sit cross legged beside Dan’s midsection. He was backwards on the bed but he was facing Dan who’s face was completely red. 

“You seem confident and not nervous.” Dan says. 

“I mean I know what I’m doing, I understand sex and how to have sex I just don’t like it.” Phil explains. 

Dan holds his breath as Phil unbuttons and unzips his jeans, he didn’t want to seem to eager and make Phil uncomfortable so he just decided to follow Phil’s lead. Phil had complete control.

“Can you-“ Phil begins to ask. 

“Yeah.” Dan pushes his jeans and boxers down past his knees before kicking them off and onto the floor. 

Phil pours some lube into the palm of his hand. 

“Wait I should-“ Dan sits up to remove his shirt, “I don’t want to get cum stains on it.” 

To Phil’s surprise Dan was half-hard already, he felt kind of bad for not giving Dan anything since they’ve been together but he knows Dan was okay with taking it slow until Phil was comfortable with things. 

Dan tried to stay completely silent the second Phil’s long fingers wrapped around his cock. He tried not to let his mind wander to other things like imagining Phil’s fingers stretching him open- fuck too late. Dan let out a guttural moan that was almost embarrassing considering Phil hadn’t even moved his hand yet. 

Phil bit his lip in concentration as he moved his hand slowly, he felt fine. He didn’t feel any sexual desires or anything- obviously- but he wasn’t uncomfortable, he was pleasing Dan and making him happy so he was happy. 

“You can moan if you want.” Phil shrugs, “It doesn’t make me uncomfortable.” 

Dan immediately stops holding his breath, thank god because he was going to explode. 

Once Phil realizes he wasn’t going to get anxious or uncomfortable at all he speeds up his movements, tightening his hand around Dan’s cock and twisting his wrist in just the right way.

Dan was death-gripping the pillow as soft noises left his lips, it had only been a few minutes and Phil had already worked him to the point he could just bust. 

“Is it good?” Phil asks, knowing everyone he’s ever been with has told him he sucks. 

“Yeah- very good.” Dan sighs in content, who knew a handjob could be so mind-blowing?

Dan was ashamed to say he was already so close but Phil didn’t seem to care, he just worked his hand faster making Dan’s eyes roll back and his toes curl from how good it all was. It wasn’t even just the sexual feelings of it but the fact that Phil was comfortable doing this made Dan feel so indescribably proud of him and he felt so good.

Dan breathes out, “Can you kiss me?” As a moan rips itself from his throat. 

Phil moves to be on his knees so he can lean over Dan and kiss him while keeping his hand moving on Dan’s cock. 

Phil kisses Dan sweetly, it really contrasts with how his hand was moving but Dan loved it. This was all Phil and he was busting at the seams with a feeling of proud because Phil was finally becoming comfortable with himself. 

Phil nips at Dan’s bottom lip and Dan just lets himself go, he grabs Phil’s arm tightly and comes with a loud shout of Phil’s name. 

Phil wasn’t expecting Dan to come without warning him so he makes a loud squeak noise and retracts his hand quickly. Dan immediately puts his hand where Phil’s once was to work himself through it. 

Phil was staring at his cone covered hand with a grimace on his face. 

“Fuck.” Dan breathes, “I’m sorry I didn’t warn you but I was just- oof.”

“It’s okay, I just jumped. Sorry if I ruined it.” Phil holds his hand away from himself. 

“You did not- absolutely did not- ruin it. I’m proud of you because you seem comfortable with yourself and your feelings, that’s obvious because I know you wouldn’t have done this if you weren’t.” 

“I’m getting better.” Phil admits, “Normal people would probably be rock hard in their pants if they had just given their partner a handjob and heard moans like that but I just liked feeling close to you. I don’t feel in a sexy mood or anything at all and that’s a little weird isn’t it?”

“Phil you’re asexual, you know you don’t feel sexual attraction you aren’t weird.”

“I know but I feel like being asexual is like frowned upon.”

“Well fuck whoever frowns upon it, you are a human being and you’re entitled to label yourself if you want to. You label yourself as asexual so that’s you and you are wonderful.” Dan sighs, “Now if you don’t mind I’m going to put my clothes back on.” 

Phil couldn’t help but laugh at that, “Yeah I’m gonna go wash my hands. I forgot about how sticky everything gets.” Phil makes a noise of disgust and scampers off to the bathroom while Dan laughs. 

Phil comes back to cuddle with Dan until they fall asleep, both of them feeling happy. 

.....

They didn’t do anything again after that, Phil was just wanting to experiment after all- trying to see what he is comfortable with. 

One day Phil was hit with this overwhelming realization, like all of the stars suddenly aligned and he felt good about himself. 

“I’m asexual and I accept that. I don’t feel sexual attraction but I’m not weird.” Phil tells himself, “I’m not weird.” He says again, he repeats it one more time to drill it into his head, “I’m not weird. I’m me, and I love me.” 

Phil couldn’t help the giant smile that made its way to his lips. 

“I’m happy with who I am.” Phil says, looking in the mirror as a tear falls. “Oh my god.” He says, so full of happy. 

Finally. 

He runs out to the living room in tears, his heart felt warm and he was so happy. 

“Phil- what’s wrong?!” Dan sounded concerned.

Phil jumped on top of him and buried his face in Dan’s chest, gripping at the material of his hoodie. 

“Phil talk to me, what happened?” 

“I love who I am- I’m happy.” Phil mumbles against the fabric of Dan’s clothes shoulder. 

“What?” 

Phil sits back and wipes the tears from his eyes, “I’m happy Dan. I love me, I love who I am. Im not weird I’m me. I love me and I love you-“ Phil leans forward and kisses Dan with all the passion he could muster up. 

Phil pulls away only to see Dan smiling at him with tear-filled eyes, “I love you Phil.” He pulls him down into a hug, “I love you so god damn much.” 

“I love you too.” Phil cries happily, all of his emotions just bubbling over as he lays in Dan’s arms. 

“I’m so proud of you. You’re so amazingly wonderful Phil.” 

Phil’s smile got wider. 

.....

Dan was out doing some shopping and Phil stayed at home with a plan in his mind. 

He’s been wanting to try something for a while now but could never get any time with Dan in the house. 

It has been six months since they started dating and Phil had never been more comfortable with another person before. Dan made him feel safe and loved and Dan didn’t ever pressure him into anything- not that they’d done anything but that one handjob. 

Phil climbs onto his bed in nothing but loose grey sweatpants, he had nothing to be nervous about because it was just himself. 

He was starting to think about having sex with Dan now- or maybe at least doing something sexual, but he had to do something first. 

As weird as it sounds he just had to imagine it, he had a vivid imagination and could picture things perfectly if he really wanted to. So he lays down on his bed, the bottle of lube he stole from Dan’s drawer laying beside him. 

He takes a deep breath, it’s not that he’d never masturbated before it’s just that he never felt the need to, he didn’t really get horny ever. He hasn’t touched himself in a long time but he knew he had to be comfortable with touching himself if he wanted to be comfortable with someone else touching him. 

He pushes his sweatpants down his legs and leaves them on the end of his bed. His dick was completely flaccid and he sighs.

He lets his fingers gently run up the side of his dick, his body reacting to the touch. He knows it feels good he just didn’t feel the need to feel good like this. He just wanted to imagine being close to Dan. 

Phil grabs the lube and drizzles a fair amount onto his cock before letting his hand wrap around himself again. 

He lets his breathing flow freely, soft noises leaving his lips as he gets into it. It did feel good, but he didn’t need it. 

He let his mind wander to Dan. He imagined making out with Dan and being inside of him. He imagined fingering Dan open before pushing his cock into Dan’s awaiting hole. Those images did nothing for him except make him feel anxious.

So he thought about what he liked. He thought about pleasing Dan, making Dan feel good and feel happy. The noises Dan made when he was being pleased made Phil feel warm and fuzzy because he got to hear those noises. Sure he had only gotten Dan off once but the walls were thin and Dan was fairly loud when he was by himself in his room. 

Phil could almost feel Dan’s gentle touches, their hands roaming each other’s bodies lovingly. Both of them so, so, so close together. Phil imagined them chest to chest, their hearts beating as one and their breaths mingling together as they pressed lingering kisses to each other’s lips. Phil imagined kissing Dan’s neck and making him giggle because Dan was so ticklish. Phil imagined Dan being so blessed out beneath him that he can’t help but mutter “I love you” and pull Phil in closer. Their bodies would move as one and they would be so close and it was so intimate. Phil didn’t care about the sexual feelings, he loved being close to Dan and just imagining it made him feel so amazing. 

Phil’s hand was moving rapidly on his cock and with the image of kissing Dan, their bare bodies pressed chest to chest, Dan muttering “I love you” between moans, Phil comes into his hand. An almost shocked sounding moan left his lips and several more noises got caught in his throat as he worked himself through his orgasm, thinking of holding Dan close to him until the very last drop of come was out of him. 

Phil swallows thickly, letting his body relax against his bedsheets as he regains the ability to breathe properly. Soft noises still left his lips as he came down from his high. 

“Wow. Okay.” Phil breathes, running his clean hand through his hair. 

Maybe he could do this and like it. He could have sex if he wanted too and sex wasn’t just about the feeling, it could be about the physical closeness and love and nothing else. Phil could do it- not yet- but he knows he will be able to and that actually made him smile. Being that close to Dan sounded amazing, just being in love and showing him how much he loved him. He could do it someday, he knows he could. 

“Phil?!” 

Phil jumps up when he hears Dan’s voice echo down the hall and footsteps were fast approaching. He quickly hides himself beneath his brightly covered duvet. 

There was a knock on his doorframe. 

“I’m...uh.... sleeping.” Phil mumbles. 

Dan looks at the colorful blanket pile on the bed, “Well okay ‘sleeping’ wanna come help me put the groceries away?” 

“Um.” Phil coughs awkwardly, “Be there in a minute?” His voice sounded small and Dan was trying not to giggle. 

“Okay.” Dan replies simply. 

Dan pretends he doesn’t see the bottle of lube or Phil’s discarded pants. He was a good boyfriend like that. 

.....

Phil suddenly felt like he was falling apart. Barely a month later and he was sobbing in the corner of Dan’s room.

He had gone to sleep fine then he just woke up in tears, he felt so anxious and upset. He had a dream that Dan left him and suddenly his irrational fear was back. It didn’t help he woke up in an empty bed, Dan probably just fell asleep while watching television but Phil wanted him here. 

“Dan.” Phil sobs, “I want Dan. Come back.” He was practically rocking back and forth in the fetal position on the floor. His whole body felt weak and he felt like he could throw up.

“What if I’m alone- what if Dan left.” Phil was choking on air, “What if I die alone- I need Dan-“ 

Phil couldn’t help the queasy feeling in his stomach, he suddenly shot up and bolted to the bathroom.

Dan woke up when he heard a door slam followed by retched noises coming from the bathroom. 

“Phil?” Dan asks groggily, making his way to the bathroom. He taps on the door, “Baby, you okay?” 

Phil couldn’t throw up but he kept gagging and choking. His anxiety was just laughing in his ears and making fun of him and he felt so small and scared and alone.

“Dan!” Phil yells, Dan instantly pushes the door open and steps inside. 

“Philly.” Dan mutters softly, “Whats wrong? Talk to me...” 

“You- you left me and-“ Phil chokes again, it physically hurt so bad. Like he had a knife stuck in his chest and concrete in his lungs. 

“No, I didn’t leave.” Dan was confused. 

“I woke up and you weren’t th-there.” Phil was shaking like a leaf as he sobbed. He wraps his arms around himself.

“I’m sorry Phil I fell asleep on the couch, but it was just a dream lovely. I wouldn’t ever leave you.” Dan gets comfortable sitting criss-cross on the bathroom floor. 

“It hurts.” Phil grips at his shirt and punches his own chest almost like more pain would stop it. 

“Just breathe, breathe with me.”

Phil tried doing the breathing exercise with Dan but he couldn’t keep up. He felt bile rising in his throat and he gagged as he leaned over the edge of the toilet, Dan kept his distance. He wanted to rub Phil’s back but he didn’t want to touch him if he didn’t want it. 

Phil couldn’t breathe and he felt gross. He was choking on his own vomit and the smell made him sicker and he felt so ugly and unwanted. 

When he finally managed to stop throwing up he curled himself into a ball on the floor.

Dan just sat there with him, not touching or speaking. He just let Phil calm down.

However Phil didn’t calm down, “I’m right aren’t I?” Phil mumbles through tears, digging his nails into his arm. 

“Right about what?” 

“Nobody wants me- you don’t want me do you?” Phil sniffles. 

“Oh Phil, of course I want you.” Dan says, scooting a bit closer, “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.”

Phil drags his nails down his arm, it was one of his bad habits when he got really anxious. 

“Phil stop it.” Dan slowly reaches forward to grip Phil’s wrists and hold them away from each other. 

“I’m s-sorry.” Phil stutters. 

“Shh, I love you okay?” 

Phil nods, “Love you.” Is all he could manage to reply as another sob shook him. 

Dan knew how to handle Phil’s anxiety, he had been by Phil’s side for the past nine years.

Dan knew the best thing to do was to just sit by him and talk softly every once in a while. Phil would calm down on his own as long as Dan was close to make him feel like he wasn’t alone. 

Dan let Phil’s wrists go when he knew he could trust him to not hurt himself again. Phil simply hugged himself as he tried to breathe.

“I’m sorry.” Phil says as he sits up.

“Don’t be.” Dan replies, letting Phil move himself onto his lap. 

Phil tries to shrink himself down and wrap all of his lanky limbs around Dan, “I love you so much.”

Dan smiles as he hugs Phil close, “I love you too.” He gives Phil a squeeze, “Are you just worked up over a dream or is something else worrying you?” 

“Just the dream.” Phil says, “Then my anxiety took over and I just couldn’t breathe and kept thinking bad things.” 

Dan leans back and Phil pulls his face away from Dan’s neck, Dan looks into Phil’s eyes, “You know you’re an amazing person right? I would do anything for you I hope you know...”

“You love me.” Phil sighs.

“I do love you.” 

Phil finally lets his muscles relax. 

Dan leans in to give Phil a kiss but Phil cranes his neck to get away. 

“Oh sorry. No kisses?” Dan asks. 

“No, I just want to brush my teeth first since I just threw up.” Phil says. 

“Oh right.” Dan let’s Phil get up from the floor, Phil reaches his hands out and pulls Dan up. 

Phil brushes his teeth before yawning, “Will you come back to bed with me?”

“Of course.” 

They climb into bed and lay on their sides, facing each other.

Phil looked exhausted and Dan frowns. 

“What?” Phil asks. 

“You look like you need rest.” Dan says. 

Phil shrugs, “Can I have kisses?” Phil really wanted to be held right now. He wanted to feel wanted. 

Dan leans in and pecks Phil on the lips, Phil immediately reconnects their lips and lets them linger for a few seconds. Dan giggles when Phil pulls away only to kiss him again. 

Dan wraps his arms around Phil and Phil scoots closer so their bodies were pressed together. 

Dan’s hoodie was soft to touch but Phil really just wanted to lay against his warm chest with no barrier, he wanted to be closer. 

“Can you take your shirt off?” Phil asks making Dan give him a weird look. 

“Why?” Dan asks in confusion. 

“Just because...” Phil blinks, “Please.” He pouts. 

Dan sits up and pulls the hoodie over his head and throws it onto the floor. He lays back down, “This better?”

Phil flops against Dan’s chest, “Warm.” 

Dan let’s out a breathy laugh and wraps his arms around Phil. 

Phil breathes in deeply, the scent of Dan’s cologne lingered on his bare skin and it was nice. Phil presses a kiss to Dan’s collarbone, “I love you Dan.” 

“I love you too.” 

Phil hums happily, nuzzling closer to Dan. He loved this close feeling. He felt emotionally connected to Dan. Phil slides one of his legs between Dan’s, effectively tangling their legs together.

Dan couldn’t help his smile, “I’m glad you feel better now.” He holds Phil tighter. 

.....

The next day Dan decides to try and talk to Phil about the incident the night before. 

“Hey Phil?” 

“Yeah?” Phil was tapping away on his laptop, leaned back on the sofa. 

“I wanna talk to you about something.” 

Phil felt his stomach sink but he pushes his laptop to the side, “Okay.” 

Dan takes a deep breath as he relaxes against the sofa next to Phil, “I don’t want to overwhelm you or make you anxious. That isn’t my intention- I need to say that first.” 

“Okay.” Phil says again. 

“This might be very bad for me to bring up but for your safety I feel like I should.” Dan takes a deep breath, “Phil, do you self-harm?”

Phil’s eyes get wide, “No!” 

“Okay okay, I’m just asking I don’t want to upset you.” Dan breathes, “You just scratch at your arms a lot when you feel anxious. I want to make sure you’re okay.” 

“I don’t even realize I do that until after it’s done and my arms burn. I’ve never purposely hurt myself with the intention of hurting myself. It’s just what I do sometimes- I don’t mean to.” 

“Okay, don’t get upset.” Dan says, “I just care about you.” 

“I know.” Phil grabs Dan’s hand, tangling their fingers together, “I’ll try to stop doing that when I get anxious.” 

“Thank you, I don’t want you to hurt yourself.” Dan squeezes Phil’s hand in his.

.....

Phil was so confused. 

He had been reading about asexuality and fell into a hole on the Internet. He had read about asexuality, grey-asexuality, and demisexuality for hours now. 

He related to several things he had read, like he doesn’t necessarily feel sexual attraction but if he’s close enough with someone- like Dan- he thinks he can have sex with them. He hasn’t ever really felt sexual attraction but whenever he’s gotten off by his own hands it’s felt pretty good, he didn’t feel sexual attraction but the actual feeling felt good even though that isn’t what he cared about. He cared about closeness- like he’s said before. 

Phil sighs and closes his laptop, he thinks about having sex with Dan and it didn’t make him uncomfortable. He thinks about sex with literally anyone else and his whole body instantly is repulsed at the thought of anyone touching him. 

“What is wrong with me?” Phil asks. 

“What?”

Oh right, Dan was here.

“Dan I think I’m questioning my sexuality a little bit.” Phil sighs. 

“Okay, do you need to talk about it? You know I support you no mater what.” Dan says. 

“Well I-“ Phil couldn’t think of the right words to speak, “I’ve been reading about asexuality and grey ace. Then I read about demisexuality. Now I’m confused.” 

“What do you think you are?” Dan asks, “You do know you don’t have to label yourself.” 

“I still don’t really feel sexual attraction but now that I’ve gotten closer to you I’ve been realizing I’m not repulsed by the idea of sex with you- but with anyone else I can’t stand the thought. That’s why I’m thinking I’m a bit demisexual.” Phil explains, “Then I think about having sex and it isn’t the sex I like, it’s the physical closeness- and I read that asexuals can enjoy having sex so maybe I am still asexual. Every asexual is different about how they view sex.”

“Maybe you’re just comfortable about the idea of sex with me because you trust me and you’re close with me.” Dan says, “And you know I won’t force you into anything or make you uncomfortable or upset.” 

Phil sighs, “Yeah... I still don’t feel sexual attraction- not even to you. I just feel like sex with you would be okay because I like being close to you.” 

“Just identify how you want, even if you don’t want a label. I understand you and I love you no matter what.” Dan leans his head on Phil’s shoulder. 

“Maybe I’m grey-ace but even then I don’t feel sexual attraction even sometimes... I don’t know. I’ll figure it out someday.” Phil sighs and links his arm through Dan’s, hugging it to his chest. 

“Don’t stress out about it.” 

“Okay.” Phil replies, letting his eyes close. He felt happy even if he wasn’t sure of himself, he had Dan cuddled up beside him and that’s all he needed right now. 

.....

It was late one night and they were both tired from the eventful day they just had. They were out shopping all day and going for ice cream and having a nice fancy dinner. 

Phil swears he has never loved anything or anyone more than he loves Dan.

Phil sighs, the second he laid down he couldn’t sleep. He rolls over on his side, seeing Dan laying there with his eyes closed.

Phil smiles, Dan was so cute. 

“I can feel you staring at me.” Dan cracks one eye open and gives Phil a sleepy smile. 

“I’m not sorry, you’re cute.” Phil leans in and kisses him on the cheek, “Are you tired?”

“Kinda but not extremely.” Dan shrugs, “Why?” 

Phil presses his lips to Dan’s, “We should make out.” 

Dan let’s out a little laugh, “I mean I won’t object to that if you want too.” 

Phil leans over Dan, gripping his shoulder with one hand. He presses his lips to Dan’s, his eyes fluttering closed. 

Phil takes the lead, making the move to deepen the kiss. Dan simply follows Phil, his hands trace up and down Phil’s sides making him giggle every once in a while from being ticklish. 

Phil runs his tongue along Dan’s bottom lip tentatively making him pull back. 

“You sure Phil? You didn’t like it last time.” Dan says. 

“I’m more comfortable with you now though, and I feel like I want too. Last time I didn’t really want too.” Phil explains. 

“Okay. If you’re comfortable.” Dan says, letting Phil kiss him again. 

Phil sighs into Dan’s mouth as the kisses get more open and intimate, this felt kind of nice. 

Phil was shy with his movements as he tangled his tongue with Dan’s but this time it didn’t gross him out. It made him feel close to Dan.

Phil slowly got more confident and the small noises Dan made as they kissed made him feel all giddy. He was making Dan feel happy and content, only he could do that. 

Phil slid his hand from Dan’s shoulder down his stomach and dipped his fingertips beneath the waistband of Dan’s boxers. 

Dan made a high pitched noise of surprise and he pulled his lips from Phil’s, “Phil?” 

Phil retracted his hand, “Do you not want me to? I just thought you were getting into that and you’d like it if I-“ 

“I mean...” Dan swallows thickly, “Are you comfortable with it? You aren’t just doing it for me?” 

“I want to.” Phil says, pecking Dan on the lips. 

Phil lets his hand rub along the waistband of Dan’s boxers, Dan was already turned on from making out with Phil. 

“Do you want to?” Phil asks.

“Huh?” Dan asks, his mind foggy with want. He didn’t want to force Phil though so if he decided he didn’t want to then it was okay. 

“Do you wanna fool around?” Phil asks. 

“What are you implying by ‘fool around’?”

Phil doesn’t want to say he wants anything so he just says, “Just giving you a handjob.” Phil felt like he wasn’t aloud to want anything, like he didn’t feel turned on or anything he just wanted to simply mess around and be physically closer to Dan. He was just too scared to ask for it. 

“If you want too then I’m okay with it.” Dan says.

Phil slips his hand beneath Dan’s boxers, palming at his hard cock, “Don’t feel like you have to hold back on anything Dan. I want to make you feel good, I’d like it if you’d be loud.” Phil pulls Dan’s boxers down when Dan lifts his hips a bit for him to do so, “I know you’re loud. I hear you when you’re in here alone.” 

Dan moans, he never even thought about Phil listening to him. 

“I may not like sex but I like you and when I can make you feel good I simply feel good too.” Phil moves his hand a bit faster, thumbing at the head of Dan’s cock making his hips jerk. A shuddery moan leaves Dan as he grips the sheets. 

“Ah- fuck Phil...” Dan breathes, “Please please-“ 

Phil moves his hand faster, he really liked doing this. He loved making Dan feel all blissed out and good, Dan was happy. He liked making Dan happy. 

Phil knew when Dan got close because his moans were louder and his stomach muscles were visibly tensing below his skin. 

Phil didn’t stop when Dan came, he just worked him through it instead of being disgusted by the come getting all over his hand. 

Phil slowed his hand to a stop, letting go of Dan’s now soft cock. 

“Good?” Phil bites back a smile. 

“Yes.” Dan sighs happily, “Do you know how much I love you?”

“Lots?”

“Correct.” Dan says making Phil giggle. “But you know you never have to get me off if you don’t want too.”

“I know.” Phil smiles, “But I like doing it, making you happy makes me happy and giving you a handjob doesn’t make me uncomfortable.” 

Dan relaxes into the mattress with a sigh, not even caring that he was completely naked. 

Phil sits up and feels a weird sensation. He knows what it was.

Phil makes a shocked gasp and looks down at his crotch, well that didn’t happen very often.

“What’s wrong?” Dan asks, sleep lacing his words. 

“Um... nothing.” Phil didn’t even feel horny why was he hard? Maybe being close to Dan just make his body react like this, he didn’t want sex but being close to Dan sounded nice. Phil gulps. 

Dan leans up on his elbows, “Hey, what is it?” Phil sounded troubled and he wasn’t just going to let it go. 

Phil just glances down at his pajama covered hard-on and stays silent. 

Dan follows Phil’s gaze down his shirtless torso to the front of his pajama pants, seeing the prominent outline of his cock. “Oh.”

“I- I-“ Phil stutters, “I gotta-“

“It’s okay.” Dan says, “If you want to leave the room and take care of that I’ll stay here. It’s alright.” 

“Actually...” Phil sighs, “Will- will you...?” 

Dan gives Phil an unsure look, “You want me to?” 

“I just want you to touch me, don’t like say anything dirty or sexual.” Phil says, “I’m not like sex driven right now I just want to be close to you and I want you to hold me and touch me.” Phil lays beside Dan, facing him, “Will you?”

“Yeah.” Dan says, he wasn’t going to act nervous or awkward, it’s just Phil and Phil wants this and he definitely doesn’t mind it either. 

Phil takes off his pajama pants, both of them were completely naked and Phil pushes his chest against Dan’s. Dan was so warm and cuddly and Phil wanted to be closer, “Please?” 

Dan hesitantly grips Phil’s cock, scared of a bad reaction. Luckily Phil just moans and hugs him tighter. 

Dan wrapped his other arm around Phil to hold him closer, knowing that’s the kind of intimacy Phil wanted. Phil wanted to be close and loved, not dirty or sexualized. 

Phil presses kisses to Dan’s chest, he felt so warm and tingly and just so nice. Dan’s hand moved quicker and Phil clung to him even harder, close. He wanted close. 

Phil buries his face in the crook of Dan’s neck, breathing in the smell of sweat and cologne. 

Phil was almost glued to Dan he was so close to him, Dan barely had room to move his hand between them. 

Phil let his mind focus on the skin on skin, the warmth of Dan, how close he was to the man he loved more than anything. This felt good and amazing, he loved being in Dan’s arms so much. 

Dan kissed the top of Phil’s head and whispered sweet non-sexual things to him like, “I love you.” “You’re so beautiful.” “I’m proud of you.” “You mean so much to me.”

Phil felt completely filled with love and affection and this is what he wanted. Dan knew how to give him what he wanted and that made him feel so happy. 

Phil’s nails dug into Dan’s skin and he let a breathy moan escape his lips as he came in Dan’s hand. 

Dan loved Phil’s breathy noises but he knew better than to comment on that.

Phil keeps himself pressed to Dan for a few minutes as he wraps his mind around what happened, he didn’t completely hate that. He felt good, it was fine. Being close to Dan was so amazing. 

Dan loosens his hold on Phil so he could move away if he wanted to.

Phil leans back a bit so he could kiss Dan sweetly.

“Did I do okay? I didn’t make you uncomfortable did I?” Dan asks.

Phil just smiles, “I liked it.” 

Dan sighs in relief, “I’m glad.” Phil should be allowed to fully enjoy things like this if he so wishes. 

Phil doesn’t feel his thoughts fighting him for once. He did something sexual and he liked it and that’s okay. He was allowed to enjoy it, just because he didn’t feel sexual attraction doesn’t mean he can’t enjoy sex or sexual things. Being held close like that felt so amazing, he had never felt so loved. 

“Thank you.” Phil sighs, “The way you held me and talked to me, that’s everything I wanted.” 

Dan smiles and hugs Phil closer, “I love you so much.” 

Phil feels his heart jump around all giddy feeling in his chest, “I love you too.”

.....

They didn’t ‘fool around’ that often, barely once a month if not once every two months. Phil gradually got more comfortable with contact- but just Dan. 

Phil still couldn’t stand the thought of anyone else touching him. 

Luckily Dan was the love of his life so he didn’t have to worry about ever having to get used to another persons contact. He had Dan forever and that’s all he wanted. 

It had been a little over a year of them being together and Phil was so calm and relaxed when he was with Dan. He didn’t get nervous at all anymore and Dan knew that. 

It shocked Dan a little bit when Phil spoke up, 

“I’m ready to have sex.” 

Dan knew Phil was ready, he could tell by the way he had talked recently. 

“You’re sure?” Dan asks, giving Phil an opportunity to take it back if he really wanted to. 

“Yes.” Phil answers confidently, “But I have a question.” 

“What is it?” Dan asks. 

“Well it’s more of a request...” 

“Go on.” 

“Can I top?” Phil asks, “I like that better and it will be easier for me to have control. I just-“

“You can top me Phil, it’s fine.” Dan lets out a shuddery laugh, “I’m definitely not against bottoming in the slightest.” Dan shrugs. 

“Okay.” Phil nods. 

They didn’t have sex right then but at least it was out in the open that Phil was ready and they kind of had a plan. 

.....

It was a few weeks later when things got heavy between them again. Phil was laying on top of a shirtless Dan, kissing him like it’s all he wanted to do. 

Dan slides his hands up the back of Phil’s shirt, wanting it off. 

Phil lets Dan pull it off of him only to immediately reconnect their lips the second his shirt hit the floor. Close wasn’t close enough. 

Phil let a soft noise leave him when he felt the skin on skin contact, he craved this closeness. He will say it again and again, being close to Dan was the best feeling in the world, and if he could make Dan feel good while being close to them then that was even more amazing. 

“Do you want to?” Dan asks, bringing up the idea of possibly having sex. 

“Yeah.” Phil replies, “Do you?”

“Yeah.” Dan has the same answer, “You’re sure you want this though?”

“I’m sure.” Phil says, “If I get uncomfortable or anxious then I’ll stop, I promise.”

“Don’t push yourself.” Dan tells him, “If you don’t like it then don’t make yourself do it.” 

“I know. My body, my terms.”

“Exactly.” Dan smiles at him, “I won’t be mad if you wanna stop. You know I don’t need sex, I just need you.” 

They take it slow, giving it time so Phil can feel comfortable with every little action. 

Phil was kneeled in between Dan’s spread legs, lube bottle in hand. Both of them completely naked. 

“I can prep myself if you want.” Dan says. 

“I’ll do it.” Phil replies, “I mean unless you don’t want me to do it.” 

“You can do it, I just didn’t know if you’d be comfortable with it.”

“I am.” Phil replies honestly. 

Phil works Dan open slowly, listening to his stuttered gasps and moans as he adds the third finger. 

Phil was slow and made sure Dan was completely ready before pulling his fingers out and wiping the excess lube off onto the sheets. 

Phil had to get himself hard but it was okay, he knows he’d like it once he got into it. 

Phil braces himself above Dan, looking down at his face as he pushes in. He watches for any sign of discomfort and there was none. 

Dan wraps his arms around Phil, knowing he wanted gentle touches and closeness. They were just focused on each other, Phil on making Dan feel good and giving him good sex and Dan on making Phil feel loved and holding him close. 

Phil moves his hips slowly as he relaxes on Dan, it literally felt like they were one person right now and Phil loved it. You couldn’t tell where one body started and another ended, they were properly tangled up together. 

Phil had never felt so close to someone and this made him feel so many things.

Dan wrapped his legs around Phil’s waist so he could bring him closer, Phil practically melted into him. Phil’s face was buried in his neck and their chests were together. Every single part of their bodies was moving together as one. Soft noises and muffled moans came from both of them. 

Dan grabs Phil’s hands and tangles their fingers together, squeezing lightly. Phil grips Dan’s hands tightly and presses light kisses to his neck. 

It seemed like time was in slow motion, like the whole world around them was stopped and it was just them here together. 

Dan let’s out a giggly moan as Phil kisses along his jaw and Phil smiles against his warm skin. 

Phil moves to kiss Dan on the lips, letting their tongues tangle and Phil could only describe this as passionate. It was slow yet it was the hottest kiss either of them had ever had, their mouths molded together and Phil pressed so many kisses to Dan’s face when they pulled away to breathe. 

“Phil.” Dan breathes, “Can you-?”

Phil slides his hand between them and grips Dan’s hard and leaking cock, “I’ve got you.” He says and kisses his lips softly. 

Neither of them wanted this to end but they were both just so close, Phil was surprised he was already about to come considering it usually takes him a while to get into it. He was just so content and comfortable right now, it felt good. 

Dan came first, gasping out Phil’s name as he grabbed onto him harder, pulling him to his chest as his whole body jerked. Phil followed soon after, a soft noise leaving his lips as he presses himself as close to Dan as possible. 

Phil slid his arms around Dan’s waist, just letting himself breathe for a moment. He could happily drown in this feeling of love and Dan.

Phil pulls out, trying not to grimace when he felt all sticky from having Dan’s come on his stomach. 

They turn on their sides and face each other, Phil pulls Dan to his chest, “How do you feel?” Dan asks. 

“That was nice.” Phil replies, “Really nice.” 

“I agree.” Dan giggles softly, “Probably the best I’ve ever had.”

“Really? The best sex you’ve ever had is with an asexual person that didn’t even get off on the sex part and just got off on being close to you?” Phil laughs breathily. 

“You’re so slow and loving and you payed so much attention to me and how I was feeling. Most people are too busy on getting themselves off but you focused on me and I focused on you and I feel like we work so nicely together.”

Phil smiles wider, he couldn’t get the smile off of his face, “Not to ruin this but can we go shower?”

“Together?” Dan asks and quirks an eyebrow, not that Phil could see it. 

“Yeah.” Phil yawns, “I’m sticky and sleepy.”

Dan gives Phil one last squeeze before letting him go, they somehow manage to untangle their limbs. 

One shower and several kisses later they were back in bed. Dan was curled into Phil’s side, an arm draped over his chest and a leg bent up over Phil’s. Dan kisses Phil’s bare shoulder. 

“I love you.” Dan says, he had never felt happier. He loved Phil so much. 

“I love you too.” Phil squeezes his arm that was around Dan’s back.

It doesn’t take them long to fall asleep together. 

.....

The next day Phil was sitting alone in his room, unable to stop smiling. He just felt so nice and content.

He looks in the mirror, “I had sex, and that’s okay.” 

“I liked it, and that’s okay.”

“I’ll probably do it again, and that’s okay.” 

“But I’m still asexual, and I can enjoy sex even if I don’t feel sexual attraction.” 

“I’m asexual, and that’s okay.” Phil thinks for a second,

Phil finally felt over one-hundred percent okay with himself, he loved Dan, he loved himself, he didn’t try and completely conform to the definition of asexuality because everyone was different. He felt like he was a bit more grey-ace than anything but he didn’t care. He was done trying to figure it out because he was happy with whatever he was and he didn’t need to define it or label it to be happy. 

“Actually... I’m just Phil, I’m me.” Phil takes a deep breath, “And that’s the best thing I can be.”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this, I tried really hard to make this realistic and a good fic. I really relate to the internal struggle and anxious tendacies of Phil here so it might have gotten a bit personal but that just makes it better in my opinion. 
> 
> Thank you for reading :)


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